SEX.
Did you know that part of a wife’s ministry to her husband is sexual in nature?
You might commit yourself to praying daily for your husband and strive to be a purposeful wife, but if you aren’t directing prayer and intentionality to the bedroom then you are underestimating your role as a wife! Sex can be a touchy subject for many couples. I know this from personal experience. For several years it was the root of many arguments between my husband and I. However, this should not be!
God never intended for sex to be a source of contention, but an incredible gift. Within the context of biblical marriage, sex is beautiful, holy, and fun. It is a foretaste of heaven, a renewal of our wedding vows, and a form of worship. It is never supposed to be boring, cause one to feel ashamed, or create arguments. That’s NOT what God intended it to be.
So what is a wife to do if sex is a pressure point in her marriage?
1. Pray! Pray about your sex life. Pray with your husband. Pray for God to make beauty out of ashes, for Him to redeem the years the locus have eaten. Ephesians 3:20 tells us that He can do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine. What about your sex life? Do you need Him to do a miracle in that area? He will. Just ask.
2. Realize it isn’t about you. If you only respond to sex or initiate sex when it is on your schedule then you are missing the whole point of intercourse. Sex isn’t about you! It is about your spouse. So, as wives, that means it is about our husbands. You might be satisfied with your sex life, but if he’s not… work towards a common ground. Make how often, where, foreplay, etc. all about him. If your focus switches from you to him – it will actually become more enjoyable for you as well. If you are the high-driver spouse then give him permission to say “no” without sulking. If you are the low-driver spouse – say “yes” as often as physically possible.
3. Third, get creative! Plan romantic gestures, send suggestive text messages, and strive to keep your bedroom ideas fresh. Don’t postpone planning special evenings for your husband, instead make it a priority. Contrary to what society tells us, sex within the boundaries of marriage is refreshing, amazing, and exhilarating. Say no to anything that would steal the holiness out of the act (pornography/erotica/etc.), but yes to anything that is honoring God.
4. Lastly, it is important to remember that intimacy in marriage will go through different seasons. There will be times when your sex life surpasses all your expectations and other times when it will be a very intense struggle. For example, young children or serious health issues could hinder a once thriving sex life. Although, resolved conflict or a new level of openness will possibly provide a much needed revival to your stale love life. Prayerfully and intentionally work through and adjust to every season in order to achieve mutual satisfaction.
If you and your husband are truly struggling in this area, please don’t hesitate to talk to a Biblical counselor. Airing out the past, discussing expectations, finding a common ground, and offering grace are all necessary for a couple to achieve and maintain a vibrant sex life. Never be afraid, or too prideful, to work with someone who will offer you Biblical advice and prayerful encouragement in how to achieve the love life God has ordained.
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Darby is a wife, mother, speaker, blogger, and author of the devotional, For the Love of Our Husbands. Following the same format of her book, Darby posts a weekly prayer for wives to pray over their husbands. She also writes about her own weaknesses as a wife in hopes that God will redeem all of her messes.
How do you handle conflict?
Neither are healthy options. Scheduling a serious conversation allows both parties to know that a difficult talk is about to happen. This simple step prevents a husband or wife from being caught off guard and controls the parameters of the setting. For example, you might plan for tough discussions to take place when the children are not around or choose a sentimental environment (such as a favorite park) to ease anticipation. Accountability enters the picture when both parties are aware of the scheduled time and place by preventing the conversation from being continually postponed.
